Making Room for And

“There is no such thing as an original thought” 

Don’t you just love when people begin with a quote?!? While it is rather pretentious, it illustrates my point beautifully. 

Some of what I have to say and offer to you comes from my own interpretations of other people’s great work. You will recognize a lot of dualism, a lot of dialectical thinking and a lot of Marsha Linehan for a reason….. it’s all awesome. 

Not everything I have to say is paraphrased from those geniuses that came before me, but it would be unprofessional and rather gradious to not give a nod to all their amazing work. 

Now sit back, relax and get curious!!!! 

We make room for a lot of things we don’t need, but what about the things that we do?

I have been thinking a lot lately about “balance”. Everyone likes to talk about it, strive for it, idealize it, assume everyone else has it….. but who stops to ask what balance even is??? We all work toward a lot of magical things that we never stop to define or clearly understand, like happiness, self-acceptance, calorie free cupcakes. How on earth can we work toward wonderful things without a clear understanding of what the heck they are or a plan on how to get there???

Personally, I think what keeps us from reaching most goals is the fact that we never clearly define them. We don’t fully understand what we are working toward, so how can we expect ourselves to know when we are moving forward, backwards, almost there, have been there before and/or will be there again? You wouldn’t jump in your car and start driving unless you knew where you were going (unless you were in a romcom) so we need to take a good hard look at why we don’t outline and plan with something as precious as our life goals. 

Back to balance. 

In my humble personal and professional opinion, balance involves a wonderful three letter word you will get sick of hearing me say: and.

Yes, the word “and”. It’s a simple word, but it’s a very important, necessary and freeing word. Bet you never thought much about this simple word, but you will!

Let me paint you a picture to illustrate my point:

 You notice you’re feeling sad, so what are you to do? Be positive of course! (if you’ve ever read a self-help book, talked to another human or watched a movie or TV show, it’s what the protagonist does, so just do what they do) 

Isn’t this what we are always told? If you’re being negative, be positive! Just be optimistic! It’s just that easy right? 

Wrong.

This is some of the worst advice out there. Yes, I’m a therapist –a real one with a license that didn’t come off the back of a truck– and I said it! JUST thinking “positively” is bullshit. 

It really is my wonderful reader. 

 And I may be a lot of things but dishonest is NOT one of them. 

If you are feeling depressed, thinking negatively AND you think that you can magically just start thinking positively, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Not the “learning and growing kind of failure.” I’m talking failure of the dumpster-fire variety. If you are currently expecting this of yourself… please stop. Stop it now. 

You are not going to go from feeling and thinking negatively all the time to being Susie Sunshine with glitter unicorns and rainbows shooting out of your ass. 

This is where my beloved “and” comes into play. 

You can be negative and positive at the same time. Yes, I did just say that and no I’m NOT drunk. 

Negative aspects and positive aspects exist together at all times, whether we acknowledge them or not. 

Nothing is all good or all bad, though we do not always pay attention to these aspects. I mean no one is having the best day of their life and challenging themselves to be more negative. Unfortunately, if a few bad things happen one morning it quickly turns into “I’m having a terrible morning,” and we seek out evidence to support that, ignoring anything positive that may have also happened that same morning. Whether we pay attention to positive things or not does not make them cease to exist. 

So start by paying attention.

Make some room for the negative AND the positive.

If you are looking at the negative aspects of something, ask yourself what is positive there. 

I know what you’re thinking, “this dumb woman is just telling me to think positively like everyone else!” 

Bear with me; I’m asking you to identify the positive while still acknowledging the negative.

I’m saying think about the negative. Think about it all day long!

Let’s not pretend and think there is a world where people don’t think of negative things. You will always think of negative things, though you don’t have to ONLY think of negative things. 

I am challenging you to think of the negative AND the positive. They both exist together, they always have and always will. 

Don your dialectical thinking cap and get curious, my friends. Make some room for and with these two seemingly opposite things. Negative and positive have been coexisting since the dawn of time, embrace it and acknowledge them both AT THE SAME TIME. 

Balance is not the absence of negativity; it’s allowing it to exist with its positive counterparts. Balance is about finding equal ground between two things that are seemingly opposite, when in reality they have always coexisted. 

Balance requires and, so let’s make some room for and.