You Are Exceptional at Saying No

Everyone is exceptionally skilled at saying no. It’s true. You, my friend, are remarkably skilled at saying no. I realize that there are many readers INTENSELY disagreeing with me right now. So I will say it again, EVERYONE IS EXCEPTIONALLY SKILLED WHEN IT COMES TO SAYING NO . Where it gets complicated though is determining whether you are saying no to the right person. 

I will unpack this a bit. Whether or not you feel that you need to work on saying no or not, the reality is you’re saying it all the time. You simply may be saying it to the wrong person. Every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do you are saying no to yourself. Every time you cancel something important to you to take on more than you can handle you are saying no to your self-care. Each time you say yes to an extra project you are saying no to your natural ability to know when you are spread too thin. When you say yes to that friend that just always seems to ask for more, you are saying no to your boundaries. You are exceptionally skilled at saying no to yourself when it isn’t healthy to do so. 

Saying no to ourselves can be very important and healthy. This is how we exercise self-control and make good choices. We tell ourselves no all the time in healthy ways, when we decide we will take a break from work or not have that extra glass of wine. These no’s are healthy and necessary. While they are not the no’s I’m concerned about you saying to yourself, they can be a great place to start practicing saying no. 

Now I realize that there are those of us out there that say no too much and perhaps need to work on saying yes more often. I could still argue that they are exceptional at saying no. Though they are probably not the folks that clicked on this post to avidly argue with me in their heads. (That’s right, I know this concept is strange!)

If this resonates with you, I’m sure you’re wondering how you can start saying no to the right people, at the right time in the right places. There are a lot of ways you can start asserting yourself and redefine your relationship with the word know. As cliche as it may sound, knowing you’re doing it is the first step. Here are some other things you can do:

Start Small

No is a small word, but saying it can feel big. This is why it can be helpful to find something small to say no to with someone you feel comfortable possibly disappointing. I don’t know about you but it’s far easier for me to say no to a work obligation as opposed to saying no to my husband. 

When you say no a few times to small things it will start to become a bit easier, you may find it even feels good. This doesn’t mean that a few “no’s” will make you magically able to set boundaries and say no in all situations. It simply means it will become easier. 

Some examples of small things to say no to might be saying no to checking your work emails when you are at home, or outside of work hours. since many of us work from home these days. Say no to making dinner every night, take out is there for a reason and you deserve to take a night off from time to time. Say no to watching that extra episode on Netflix before bed, I’m terrible with this too but someday I’d like to say no to this! Sleep is pretty important, get some. 

Make Room for “And“

You can say no AND yes. Stick with me here. You have the ability to say no to something you don’t want to do, or don’t have the capacity for, AND offer an alternative. 

A definitive no can feel uncomfortable in some situations because it may not be necessary. For example, if a good friend asks you to move. Now we all know that isn’t fun, but it may be worth it if they are a friend you don’t mind doing non-fun things for because they are your “2am would help you out of anything” friend. They ask you to help them move on a Saturday and you have a lesson at 1pm, what are you to do? 

When we feel obligated to do things we may not see other options, we may feel like helping a friend is an all day affair leaving your wants and needs on the back burner. That isn’t the case. You can say no to helping your friend move all day AND yes to helping them before or after your lesson. Saying no AND yes works well and makes asserting yourself much easier in some situations. After all, assertiveness does entail meeting your needs while also taking others into consideration. Of course more to come on that in future writings. 

Commit to Saying No

Change is hard, even when it’s good for us. Committing to doing something new is important and there are things that make this easier. 

Write out what you want to do. When we write down our intentions we are exponentially more likely to follow through. Make a list of what you want to start saying no to. You won’t tackle all of them at once but this will help you stay on track and also celebrate your accomplishments along the way. 

Enlist the help of some trusty friends. Use that support network, tell those close to you what you’re working on. You’d be surprised how much more accountable you are when you do this. If a support person knows you want to start saying no to checking your work emails when you aren’t working they may ask you what you’re looking at on your phone at the barn…. BAM accountability!

To Sum It Up

Everyone is exceptionally skilled at saying no. Just make sure you are saying it to the right person. I realize this is far easier said than done, but you’ve done far more difficult things than this I’m sure. Many of you ride horses, we aren’t used to things coming easy but man is it worth it when everything comes together. 

Start small, make room for and and commit to a better situation for yourself and quite frankly everyone else around you. 

Enjoy your ride my friends.