You Are Amazing AND You Could Be Better.

With it being New Years Eve I’m thinking A LOT about resolutions. This is the time of year we start pointing out all the things we don’t like about ourselves and how we will become better versions of ourselves in the upcoming year. It reminds me of a rather large misconception that many of us buy into. We believe that we always have to be striving for the next best thing. We believe that there is always more. We believe that we are NEVER enough. We will be happy when ______, you fill in the blank. Whether we say it or not, most of us have something we instantaneously place in that blank. A magical thing we are striving for that will make us whole, will finally make us “happy”. 

Most folks speak to themselves really negatively. When it comes to achievement a great deal of this negative self-talk centers around why we haven’t achieved our goal yet. We berate ourselves, tell ourselves we aren’t working hard enough, aren’t disciplined enough, smart enough, good enough etc. That’s why we haven’t achieved our goals. 

I won’t bore you with my many theories about why we do this to ourselves. I will stick with a few of my favorites; a misguided attempt to motivate and a fear of complacency. The road to hell is generally paved with good intentions. This is why I firmly believe that we speak to ourselves in such a negative way because we are TRYING to help ourselves. If we allow ourselves to be proud of ourselves, to sing our own praises we may become complacent and stop growing. 

While this fear is absolutely understandable, what if we could make some room for And here? What if you are absolutely amazing as you are AND you could be better. 

Real Motivation

Let’s start with the goal of motivation. We want to motivate ourselves toward our goals, our healthiest urges may include realistic goal setting and an outline of steps we must take to meet our goals. At our worst (and where many of us spend A LOT of time) we talk a whole lot of shit to ourselves. There’s a lot of “what is wrong with you” and “why can’t you do anything right”. Maybe you don’t speak to yourself like that, and if you don’t I’m impressed, realistically though this is where many of us camp out. It can be really easy to fall into this type of self-talk. 

This type of motivation doesn’t work. Shame is powerful, but it isn’t a motivator. Pointing out your flaws and what you are doing wrong does NOT motivate anyone to engage in healthy behaviors and work toward their goals. In all honesty it likely just makes you want to go back to bed and pull the covers over your head. 

At this point you are probably thinking “cool Jaime, I know that doesn’t work. What does?” I’ll tell you what. You are amazing. Now say it. Yes, friend, I want you to stop reading and either say it outloud or out loud in your own head “I.am.amazing”. 

We are all pretty amazing and more often than not doing the best we can at any given moment. The real issue is that we rarely, if ever, say that to ourselves. Rarely do we point out the things we are doing right, the things we have accomplished, the things we are absolutely amazing at. That, my dear friends, is what is motivating. 

I could easily beat myself up for not showing more or jumping bigger jumps. I mean come on, I’ve been riding for 28 years and I don’t really want to jump more than 2’6, what is wrong with me????? Nothing. That’s what. 

What is wrong is how I’m talking to myself. For those of you that know me you know that I’ve just celebrated the 5 year anniversary of breaking my femur in 5 pieces, needless to say I’ve accomplished a lot. Focusing on that helps me to keep moving forward with riding. If I stayed in a place of “I am not enough” I probably wouldn’t even be riding now. Stop getting in your own way, you are NOT motivating yourself through shit talk. 

Fear of Complacency

“But Jaime, if I point out everything I’m doing well I’ll never get better!!!” Here’s the rub, you can be amazing AND do better. Neither is mutually exclusive. You can give yourself credit where credit is due AND know you are capable of more. When you are reminding yourself of your abilities, your strengths, your competency, that next challenge is far less overwhelming. You are so much more likely to strive for more because you know your worth, you know your abilities. You’ve been pointing them out so they are fresh in your mind. 

It is only natural to fear stagnation, to fear complacency. You will only become complacent if you choose to, not because you point out your strengths. You are absolutely amazing AND you could be better. 

Allow those seemingly opposite views to exist together. They already do, so why not acknowledge them. What this looks like is pointing out what is going well; good choices you’ve made, accomplishments, achievements etc. Then also identify what you want to do more of, what your goals for future growth are. 

Pro Tip: Don’t use the word “but”, the only thing that comes after but is bullshit. It will only negate the positive self-talk that came before. Let’s take a common goal and use it as an example; going to the gym more. 

You may throw in a “but” in the following way; “I’ve really done a great job this week with going to the gym but I need to go to the gym 4 times next week”. I don’t know about you but that sounds really irritating to me. This type of self-talk can easily leave you feeling as if nothing is ever enough so why bother, F-it. This can be better said as “I’ve done a great job this week going to the gym, I’m going to go to the gym four times next week.” This leaves me feeling like I’m pretty freaking awesome so I obviously can go to the gym four times next week. 

Practical Application

I’m a therapist so you know I’m going to give you some things to put into practice. (Don’t call it homework, you won’t want to do it if you do).  A more immediate application is being mindful of how you set your resolutions this year. I’m not always a fan of New Year’s resolutions, for many reasons I won’t get into now. Though if you are setting some this year, be kind to yourself. My goal for 2022 (if you’re interested) is to be more aware of my awesomeness while trying to be a little bit better each day. 

Create an already done list. Yea, I said it!!! I’m sure you have a to do list, I’m not interested in that. Make a list of the things you’ve done, this can help you to start recognizing your amazing-ness and how much you already do. It may make you tired…. Though I’m willing to bet it will leave you feeling at least a little bit accomplished. 

Break up with the word “but”, it isn’t all that helpful. 

Write down some of your goals and then break them down into small, digestible steps. When you accomplish those steps, celebrate!!!! This helps you to acknowledge how amazing you are AND reminds you of what you need to keep doing. Having a plan gives you a path to return to when you feel lost, make things easier for yourself. 

To Sum It Up

Set yourself up for success not failure my friends. How we talk to ourselves makes a really big difference. It can be the difference between working toward our goals and saying F-it. You are capable of so much more than you tell yourself you are. Make room for And. You are absolutely amazing AND you could be better. 

Enjoy your ride my friends.